Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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