theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
