The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
