she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
