At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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