This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
