textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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