I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
