Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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