life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Less talking, more tequila
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
