when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
