He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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