carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I yelled at your uterus for you.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
