Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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