if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
