I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I think I won the penis lottery.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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