You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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