Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
