you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
