Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
