So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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