Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
