You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
