I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
She said her name was "party"
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
