I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
