haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
