So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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