Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
