South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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