I heard we made out
I'm going to jail i love you
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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