I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
