I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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