My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
