i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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