thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
