I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
