Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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