chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
