You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
