i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
