bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
