i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
