You can't special order awesome
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
