And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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