you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
