Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
