dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
