Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
