this beer tastes like vomit already
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
