Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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